


Yuri!! On Office - The Shitpoast The Office (US) Au Nobody asked for!!

by rawrxd



Category: The Office (US), Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Fluff, Kissing, Mostly a Crack Fic, Multi, Oops, SO, Some angst, Strong Language, The Office AU, eat my ass, i dont know what im doing, i'll try to come up with some of my own ideas, if you dont like it, like ill probably say fuck a lot, losely based on the office plot, sorry if this has been done?, yuri and victor as pam and jim will slay my life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-21
Updated: 2017-07-21
Packaged: 2018-12-04 12:40:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11555403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rawrxd/pseuds/rawrxd
Summary: A Yuri!! On Ice au where everyone is loosely set as a character from the US version of The Office. It's got humor, angst, and fluff, but no inappropriate scenes because trying to keep it pg-13. I hope you like it, but if you don't, shoot a fire cracker up my anus.i'm gonna try to set this only loosely on the office, so that it doesn't feel like you're just re-watching all the episodes and that if you haven't watched the show it'll be enjoyable. However, there will be similar moments and things like pranks, traditions, and parties that might be kept the same depending on what it is. I'm not that funny, so this will suck ass, but if you're bored and like both of these shows, i'll try to at least make it worth the read.





	Yuri!! On Office - The Shitpoast The Office (US) Au Nobody asked for!!

"Victor, your quarterlies look very good. How are things going at the library?" You could hear J.J. through the walls from his loud and annoying voice, his overconfidence always being his worst and most horrible trait. He knew who he was, and he wasn't afraid to show it, but in a bad way. He wasn't a Jackie Chan inspiration, he simply had the confidence and attractive level of an old and racist Jacob Sartorious. Sure, he was good at his work that he's never moved on from in 15 years, but honest to god he was unbearable.

That was Victor's only thought racing through his head as he sat bored in his chair, situated directly in front of J.J.'s large desk. It was piled with papers he knew J.J. was never going to fill out, next to random toys he probably thought were professional. Next to that was a mug that read ' _World's #1 Boss_ ' No one in the office even bought it for him, J.J. didn't understand it was supposed to be something that coworkers were supposed to by for their bosses. J.J. brought it in one day and showed it to the whole office, beaming and as usual, making everyone uncomfortable. That's just the way things went.

"Oh, I told you, I couldn't close the deal..." Victor wasn't the best salesman, always distracted in his work. He wasn't really focusing now, scribbling on his pants with the bottom of his pen, checking to make sure he wasn't actually drawing all over them. 

"So, you've come to the master of guidance?"

"No."

" _Is this what you're saying, grasshopper_?"

"You called me in here, Jean." Victor clicks his pen a few times, he didn't really find the noise that annoying.

"Okay, well, I'll just show you how it's done." Jean reaches for the phone, and dials the number in the manila folder Victor had taken into the room with him.

Jean picks up the phone, and waits patiently. The office is quiet. Nothing exciting.

"Yes, I'd like to speak to your office manager, please."

Victor stares. Bored, bored, this was boring. But, he needed the money.

"Ah, yes! Hello, this is Jean-Jacques Leory, I am the  _Regional Manager_ of Dunder Mifflin paper products. Just would like to speak to you manager to manager."

There's much more conversation, but Victor can't bother to listen to the conversation. He tilts his head back, thinking about lunch. It was 9:30. His lunch is at noon. 

"Thank you very much sir!" Jean says in a strange accent, probably mimicking a character Victor is too young to know of. "You're a gentleman, and a scholar."

There's a pause.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. My apologies." He hangs up. Victor gives him a questioning look.

"That was a woman."

"Oh?"

"But, she had a very low voice. Probably a smoker. Maybe a pimp."

"..."

"So, that's the way it's done." He clears his throat, motioning Victor out of his office.

 

_Cut to Jean in front of the Dunder Mifflin Logo._

"I've been working at Dunder Mifflin for 15 years," Jean speaks to a camera crew, the company getting a documentary on the excitement of working at a paper business. Of course, that is sarcasm, because a paper company really doesn't seem the slightest bit interesting on the outside. Inside, a different story. "If you'd like to come through here,"

J.J. leads the team into the main office, stopping by the reception desk where Yuri Katsuki sat doing some light 'paperwork.' He was drawing on a napkin. 

"So this office is mine, I'm the king, there's a whole song I wrote about it a couple years ago." Everyone cringes.  _Everyone._ Except Jean.

"And  _This_ is our receptionist. Yuri! Yuri Yuri Yuri!" Jean's over excitement frightens Yuri at first, but then is at ease. It's only a real one moment of fear with Jean. You think he's going to murder you with his excitement until you realize he probably isn't strong enough to crush a soda can or open a jar of pickles.

"Yuri has been with us forever. Right Yuri?"

"Gee, Not really." Yuri had been working there for four years, not forever. Apparently he's a way better receptionist then the last girl. According to Victor she smelled like deli meat and didn't have any sort of filter.

"If you think he's hot now, you should have seen him two years ago!"

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Any messages?" Jean looks him deep in the eyes, sort of frighteningly so. But it's always frightening with Jean, yet not. He's so complicated.

"Yeah, just a fax." Yuri hands a manila folder to Jean, then looks the camera dead in the center. He wasn't really that on board with his work life being filmed for a few years, but the job was a luxury. He hardly had to do anything for good pay, and got to eat with co-workers who didn't really hate him like at his old job. He shivers at the thought of the crowded stadium, sitting behind the counter of the busy hotdog stand, quick on his feet. Sometimes he'd do little ballerina spins to serve people for a better tip. The smell of beer and sweat, like a bar, but outdoors. 

"Yuri, this is from corporate. How many times have I told you that there's a special place for corporate files."

"Never, sir."

"It's called the Gaaarbaaaage!" Jean crumples up the fax and attempts to make a basket. He misses. It's awkward for everyone. As always, he pretends it didn't happen.

_Cut to Yuri Plisetsky grabbing his cat themed earbuds, plugging them in his ears, and humming to an obviously metal song._

_Cut to Victor, talking to the camera in the conference room._

"My job is to talk to clients on the phone and try to sell them different types of copier paper, usually in large quantity. I've been told I'm GREAT at persuasion."

_Cut to some time ago, Victor at his desk by Yuri Plisetsky._

"Give me the stapler." Victor holds out his hand like a father asking for their edgey teen's phone to search for porn and signs of drug abuse.

"No."

"YURI." Both Yuri's look toward Victor. "ANNOYING YURI." Yuri K looks away. 

"I'm using it." He was not using it.

"GIVE ME THE STAPELER."

"I'M USING IT VICTOR!" Yuri picks up the stapler and staples into his desk. 

They lock eyes. 

Victor lunges forward and attempts to grab it, pushing paperwork and various other objects off his desk. Everyone else are ignoring the situation as if it were an everyday situation, something that happens on a daily basis. He latches onto the stapler, pulling it towards him, while Yuri is trying to yank it away. 

"JUST- GIVE- OW!" 

Yuri had stapled Victor's finger.

_Cut to a longer time ago, Victor in the break room by Christopher, who is making a cup of coffee._

"Hey, my turn." Victor rests on the counter, eyeing the coffee machine.

"Victor, It's not fucking done yet, calm your shit."

"GIVE ME THE COFFEE POT, I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN 36 HOURS."

_Cut back to Victor speaking into the camera in the conference room._

"I'm boring myself talking about this job. I should talk about me. So."

_The camera cuts off the rest of what Victor has to say. In the main office, Jean stands over Yuri P's shoulder._

"Whaaaaat's up?" Jean speaks like a radio host, holding out a microphone to Victor, who mistakenly looks up from his paperwork.

"What's up?"

"What? No, you're supposed to tell me what's up and not- no, Victor."

Yuri P pulls out an earbud, looking up at Jean in distress. He gets stressed out from the stupidest things. "Oh, hey, what's up?"

We'll save the details of that temper tantrum.

_Camera swivels to a redhead walking in, Mila Babicheva._

_Jean talks to another camera man, it switchs to that view._

"Yeah, corporate doesn't really interfere with us at all here! Mila Babicheva. I call her Morgan Smith-Goodwin, right? Not to her actual face though, I'm not scared. Jean-Jaques Leroy doesn't fear anything."

_Cut to some time ago, J.J. stands on top of his desk._

"YURIYURIYURI. ONE OF YOU."

"Yes boss?" Both of them stand in the doorway.

"SPIDER- FLOOR- SAVE ME."

_Cut back to present time, where Jean, Mila, and and Yuri K sit in Jean's office._

Mila crosses one leg over the other, folding her hands in her lap. "Is there anything you wanted to add to the agenda?"

"Me no get the agenda Mila!" Jean mimicks Mila's posture and sitting habits.

"Huh?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't get an agenda."

"Oh, I faxed it this morning?"

"Really?" Jean pans over to Yuri. "Did we get a fax this morning?"

"Yeah, uhm, the one-"

"Why isn't it in my hand then, Katsuki? Hmm?"

"You put it in the special place, sir."

"Special place?"

"Jean, you put it in the trash."

"Well- no, that couldn't be it. That was actually a fax from my sister. She's in town. I didn't- nope."

"Would you like to just look at mine?"

"Yes, thank you Mila."

"So, since the last meeting, The board has decided we can't justify both Pennsylvania branches."

"Oh? This is ok. Ok. Continue. Please. Or don't. Just leave. Mila, go."

"There's going to be some downsizing."

_Cut to the main office, everyone doing their work. Suddenly, a slightly muted scream._

Yuri P looks up from his papers. 

Then back down.

_Cut to Yuri K talking to the camera in the conference room._

"I don't think it'd be the worst thing if they decided to let me go. I didn't really want this job, it fell into my lap. I will  _not_ be going back to that hot dog job, but maybe it gives me the opportunity to do something else. I like to ice skate. I don't think I'm any good, but Victor likes it."

_Cut to Yuri K at his desk._

Yuri picks up the ringing phone. "Dunder Mifflin, this is Yuri K."

_Cut to Victor at his desk._

Victor is on the phone. "Sure, Mrs. Mavis, let me call you back. Yeah, somtheing has come up, two minutes. Thank you very much." Victor presses the phone into his chest.

"Yuri Plisetsky, what the ever living hell are you doing?"

"What?" 

"What are you doing?"

"Cleaning my desk." Yuri P shoves everything onto Victor's desk, making room in front of himself to pull his keyboard closer. 

"It's- It's kind of overlapping."

"No it isn't."

Victor takes a few pens and places them between the desk cracks as a fence. 

"You can't do that." 

"Why not?"

"Safety violation. I could trip and lose an eye, Nikiforov."

"I could only hope."

_Cut to Yuri P speaking to the camera in the conference room._

"This is why I don't really care about downsizing. I recommended it in my interview, peasants. I say bring it  _on._ "

_Cut to Yuri K's desk, Jean standing next to it._

"You still have messages from yesterday." Yuri picks up a few post it notes, reading through them.

"Relax, Yuri. Everything is fine. Nothing bad can happen."

"I'm not- okay."

Everything is better when you just agree with whatever Jean says. It's who he is. Not persuasive, just a maniac to a point you're scared into it.

_Cut to the conference room. The whole office sits inside, bored and or anxious._

"Now, I know there are some rumors going around, and I would just like to say, corporate is thinking about having this branch downsize or the other Pennyslvania branch close, the Stanford branch."

"Yeah, Jean, but what if they downsize here?" 

"Not gonna happen Phichit!"

"It could be out of your hands, Jean."

"It wont be out of my hands, Yakov, okay?"

"Can you promise that?"

"On his mother's grave," Yuri P says, monotone, staring at the wall. He does that sometimes. 

"Well, No, Yuri P. Yeah it is a promise, and frankly I'm a little bit insulted that you have to keep asking about it."

"We just need to know." Yakov always seems so disinterested or too interested. Now is a rare middle moment. 

"Uhmmm,"  _J.J., buy time!_  "Yuri K! Yuri, I think you wanted to say something? Anything? Something?"

"I-I was in the meeting with Mila and she said it could be this branch who gets cut."

"Yuri? Maybe you should stick to the ongoing confidentiality agreement of meetings."

"Piglet, power is key." Why did Yuri P call him a piglet? Still to be answered.

"So, you can't say whether or not you're sure it'll be this branch?"

"You weren't in the room with her! I said, if corporate wants to come in here, and interfere then they're gonna have to go through me, right? You know, you can go a mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family, and you ain't gonna be messing with my children."

_Cut to Victor, sitting in the conference room for the camera, separate occasion of course. We'll call these diary entries for lack of other name._

"If I left, honestly, what would I even  _do_ with all this weird stuff I know. Like the three different standard sizes of paper. Or the most popular colors. Or Yuri K's favorite food? It's pork cutlet, by the way."

_Cut to the two of them in the break room._

Yuri K silently eats his Katsudon. 

_Cut to Yuri K making a diary entry._

"Victor said I like pork cutlet the most...? How does he know?" Yuri smiles.

_Cut to the office (i'm not laugjing AGAIN you are) where Minami and Jean walk to Yuri P._

"Nice to meet you!!!!!!!!!111!!1111!!!!!!!" Minami greets.

"Introduce yourself, be polite."

"Yuri Plisetsky, Assistant Regional Manager, cat lover, pisces."

"Assistant  _to_ the regional manager. So Yuri P, tell him about the kung fu, and the car and everything."

"Yeah, I got a 78-2-8 , I've bought her for 1200, fixed it up, now worth three grand."

"That is his profit!"

"New engine, suspension, I've got some- GODDAMNIT!"

"Yuri P, what? Judge in session." Jean blinks as if annoyed rather than concerned. Then goes completely blank. As if he died. 

"He put my stuff in jello again." Yuri P pulls out a plate of jello with his pencil jar suspended in the middle. Yuri K laughs.

"Yeah, haha, real professional. Third time, isn't funny."

_Cut to Yur P making a diary entry. See, this shortens it up so much._

"The relaxed atmosphere just makes some people go crazy. I'm a volunteer sheriff on the weekends, and you  _cannot_ mess around there."

_Cut back to real time._

Jean squints. "What is that?"

"It's my pencils in jello, Jean."

"No, No, No! You have to eat it out. There's plenty of starving people in the world."

"Ugh! Can you reprimand him, please?" Yur P points to Victor, eating a cup of green jello, identical to the pile on Yuri P's desk.

"How do you know it was me?"

"It's always you. Are you gonna punish him or not?"

"Oooh, punishments! Kinky!" Jean raises his eyebrows, makes awkward eye contact with Yuri K. It's always Katsuki. "All right, here's the deal. The thing about practical jokes, is that you need to know when to start and when to stop. So, Victor, now is the time to stop putting Yuri P's things into colorful gelatin."

"I'm deeply sorry, Yuri P." Victor bats his lashes.

_Cut to Victor at Katsuki's desk._

"Do, you like, want to... get a drink this Friday?"

"Yeah!"

"Okay, well, everyone is going and... yeah today, is Friday so..."

"Ok, Yeah."

Then, Chihoko enters the room.

"Hey man!" He grins, ear to ear.

"Hey!" 

"What's goin on baby?"

_Cut to Yuri K making a diary entry._

 

"Chihoko is my fiancee, we've been engaged about about 3 years, and we were supposed to get married in September, but I think we'll gonna get married in the spring."

_Cut back to real time._

Katsuki stands to get a better look of his fiancee. "Hey, is it okay if I get a drink with some of these guys?"

"No, come on. Let's go home."

"Oh. Okay. I'll be out in a few minutes, I have some faxes to finish up. Wait here." Katsuki leaves to do his faxes.

Victor and Chihoko stare eye to eye. It's like those western movies. 

"You know you should come with us, because you know we are going out and it could be a good chance for you to see what people are like outside the office, I think it could be fun." Victor attempts, if he comes maybe he'd feel better about it.

"No, it sounds good but seriously we gotta get going."

"What's in the bag?" Victor points to a large trash bag in Chihoko's arms. 

Silence.

"Tell Yuri I'll be in the car."

"Yep."

_Cut to Victor making a diary entry._

"Do you think I'll be invited to the wedding?"

_Cut to Victor's desk, Yuri K walks up._

"Hey." Yuri K looks down at him, slightly tilting his head.

"Hey, how are you?"

"Good. I thought you were going out for a drink with-"

"No, headache."

Pause. Victor stops going through papers. 

"Are you..." Katsuki trails.

"Heading out?"

"Yes."

"Would you wanna?"

"Yes."

"Oh, but Chihoko, right?" Victor sighs. 

"Oh. Yeah. Well."

"See you!"

"Have a nice weekend, Victor!"

Victor lies his head on his desk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, i ended up adding a few of my own things to this!   
> also i didn't proof read this but i will be at some point
> 
> open to suggestions ;)


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